I know I have not written in a while I will be back soon enough. I have many tales to tell. My life has changed a lot in the last 5 months. I don’t know where to start, but I will say it has been the most positive experience in my life, and I am thankful now that it this has happened to me. Not to sound like a movie trailer, but there is more to come …
Childhood is one of those things that can never be perfect and you come to terms with that. The most difficult thing that I had experienced was becoming my parent’s parent. Where do I start? It all begins from the age of 6 only because that’s when my earliest memories of this are.My father has always been an alcoholic, even before I was born. Addiction has always been a part of my life. It started to happen because when he would get extremely intoxicated he couldn’t even care for himself anymore. He would become angry and demanding on what my responsibilities were. From small things from heating up his meals to having to clean him up because he was too drunk, and got his food all over himself. The cycle of his drunken abuse at night time and then the polar opposite in the morning caused a lot of confusion in the early years of my life, but that has always been a part of my life.Sidenote my mom would be at work when all of this was happening she worked the night shift. Having to really be their parent happened when I was about 15. This is because my brother started to go down the wrong path. The cliche of hanging with a bad crowd he started to do drugs and getting involved in criminal activities. When this had happened no one in my family was prepared for it. It got worse when my brother’s mental health was getting worse along side all these other things. He became very suicidal and began cutting. Which is a topic for another day, but because of this I was exposed to things I wasn’t ready to deal with, going from hospitals to courts. Constantly dealing with cops. Was hard enough, but having to make choices for my parents on what they should do became a very heavy burden. Such as if he should stay in the long term facility, or if they should pay his bail to get him out. I had no idea what I was deciding and why, I know this now those decisions were not the right ones, but they were not mine to make.Choices that should have been theirs, but ended up being mine. No child should be involved in adult decisions. I just wish any adult would have stepped in, so the right thing could have been achieved. This process really made me grow up before I should have and took away from my life, I should not have been neglected it was their job and they should have been there to do it or mess it up, but theirs alone to do it. I can’t emphasize it enough children should never be involved in adult decisions, just something to consider. Allow children to be children as long as they can be.
Spread the joy !
These few days off have been great, getting to actually relax. I haven’t had the chance to blog about anything. I will be back at it, I might even have something interesting to write, or not. Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Hope your day is filled with love and happiness!
It’s only been three days.
This injury has been difficult to deal with. Trying to manage the symptoms has been hard enough, but I feel out-of-place at work. I was feeling over whelmed dealing with the insurance company, so I thought what the hell maybe I am ready to get back. I was not ready, being here is just making me more anxious. Maybe this job is not the place for me anymore. I need to realize that nothing is more important than my health, I can always find a new job, but I can’t risk my recovery for it. I tried talking to my family about it, but they think I shouldn’t be out of work, I need a job. It’s not about them anymore. I need to make some changes. This is just a note to remind myself if someone tries to convince me otherwise. I need to do this for myself, screw everything else.
Back at it again.
I have always had difficulty with my anxiety, but recently after being attacked and injured my anxiety has really take over my life. Day to-day tasks that I use to push through and manage to do have become that much harder. I plan before bed of all things I need to do in the morning, feeling determined, making up my mind, that this is it, today I’m going to do it. Once I form this plan I start to feel anxious. Thinking about it all night not being able to sleep, because I have to get up and go out in the world. Planning how I’m going to do it. What will be the fastest way to do what I need to, and get out as quickly as possible. Knowing that thinking about it won’t help I try to distract myself, watch a funny video on YouTube or Netflix, even talk to a friend. I somehow get through the night and morning comes, and now its time I need to face my fears, this is when my anxiety takes over. All the bad things that could happen pop into my head. All I can think about is how I’m afraid, and I don’t want to face the world. I try to tell myself its much safer in my room. That I will build up the courage to do it tomorrow, the vicious cycle continues. After avoiding not going out and making a hundred different excuses why it can wait. I start to feel the guilt about why I didn’t do it, I should have just went. Telling myself I can’t live this way. It’s not good for me. Knowing all of this, but still backing out. Then I go back to the strategies I had made, maybe I will start with baby steps. Do one thing at a time, still not being able to get it done. Making myself feel even worse. Those are just the personal battles. When it comes to friends and family they’re so many things I need to plan to make it work. Having Indian parents it’s not easy to explain anxiety, when you do, its not the acceptance and tolerance you would hope for. It usually goes like “you need to get over it, it’s all in your head”. Hearing that I shutdown even more. Not having the fight in me to explain, I just go back to my safe place, my room. Wanting be alone, but hating the feeling of loneliness. I want to explain I’m not being lazy, I want to be out there, I want to enjoy my life, but being my own worst enemy, I just don’t. Not talking to them becomes my best defense. If I don’t communicate, then no one else can put me down, but how long will that work ? They think friends will be the cure, not saying they don’t help, but they can’t fix me. Being the good people they are, they plan to take me out, going out will help me take my mind off it. If only they knew the dreadful planning starts again. I know I should do this, how can I not they are doing it for me. Thinking about it over and over, that tomorrow I have to go and put on my happy face, because I don’t want them to think I don’t appreciate them. Night time comes my thoughts are all over the place. One side of me trying to think of excuses to get out of it, the other telling me I have to do this, I cant bail again. Trying to just breathe, telling myself I can do this. Not really helping but I will tell myself over and over, because I need to. I feel stuck just repeating the same thing night after night. Repeating it to myself I need to do this. It shouldn’t be so hard, but it is. Until the next day where I do it all over again.
I need to do it …
I have heard it over and over forgiving someone would help me move on. It’s probably true. I just can’t bring myself to do it, I know it’s not the healthiest thing, but letting go of the anger has been hard. I could always confront the people responsible for it, however there is a communication barrier. I also wonder would they even apologize, do they think they did anything wrong. I could attempt and ask, but if I am being truthful here I’m scared of reliving the memories, and having to talk about it out loud. Silence has always been my go to, how I learned to cope with things I couldn’t handle or control. Not the best way to deal with it, I know that. Most days I want to scream and shout, I don’t do it, because I don’t need to bring attention to it. Constantly trying to stay under the radar. Then again, I’m here writing about it. Even if I’m being very vague. I know what I need to do, now it just depends on when I push myself to take the risk, to face the fear, pain and anger. Knowing the people involved I should remember that some people can’t change I need to stop hoping and praying they will. I have to do make my life better for myself they will be who they choose to be. I need to do this for myself. Then I think to myself does everyone deserve forgiveness. Or am I looking for another excuse to not do it. Confusion is what I mostly go through when this topic comes to mind. I need to, I shouldn’t or I just won’t. That’s the process. Life is not fair, I don’t expect it to be. I do however resent the fact that people responsible for hurting me get to go on as if they did nothing wrong. As if I owe them something. That I wouldn’t be better off without them. When I think about just leaving the situation, Those same people want to guilt me. They say things like “What will people say” Then I think to myself what would they say if they knew what you do. Or “you will embarrass us by doing such a thing”. It makes it harder to think they even feel bad, especially if I’m made to feel ashamed for something like leaving them. Apart of me still believes in the culture and traditions they do, but I don’t want to live a life where I do what my community thinks I should, because it makes the people around me happy. I hate having to balance a double life. I tell myself that I’m independent, I’m capable of making my own decisions, yet they’re people in this situation that my choices will affect, who I don’t want to hurt. Endless what if’s. I need to figure it out, hopefully I will. This post was mostly for myself to just write out all these random thoughts. Find a place where I can actually express what I feel, not choosing silence like always. That’s it. All I want to say for now. If anyone relates, I’m here to talk about it. Take care.
What to do …
Lets get right down to it, I am not that great when it comes to friendships. I have a hard time keeping up. It’s not because I am super busy or don’t want to. I absolutely love and adore my friends, but I can’t spend everyday with them. I find myself running out of conversation. Or wanting to be alone. I like the feeling of isolation. Its one of those things that keeps me sane. Now the problem is most of my friends are fairly social and would like to be out and about as much as they can, and saying no sucks. I hate the disappointment on their face. So ill cave not because of pressure, I just want to see them happy. I’m not saying its the greatest sacrifice in the world, but it happens so often that it gets difficult. I know the first thing to do is talk about it, and let them know. I have, many times. Its one of those things that are easily forgettable. Here’s the thing you would think that’s the main issue, but its not. My problem with all of this is the most of my friendships revolve around quantity over quality. Why is it that the more you are together means the more you care or value the friendship? I do understand for some people that’s what friendship is.They need to see and feel to believe it. I also know friendship is about give and take . It may be wishful thinking to want to be understood for who I am, actually no its not if I want a genuine friendship they would try to accept that. I cant always be the one ready to go with when they have the need. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the fact that I have friends that want to be with me, but trying to handle the anxiety of being out is an internal battle everyone needs a break from. All I want is my friendship to not be questioned because of how many times I attended a party or if I spoke to the person daily. How do I find the middle ground ?Either I find one, or i have to be the one to accept that this is what my friends idea of a friendship is. Then a sad thought crosses my mind, is this a friendship I will be able to sustain where both people are happy with it. I have no clue. All I know is I will put in the effort, but I cant fucking be the only one. That’s the most draining part of it. Nevertheless I’m blessed to have friends! Lets see if I can find a solution, and if I do ill be here to write about it. Take care, smile it helps.
Here’s the thing I have so many things I want to write about, and think would be good to share. Right after saying that the big but comes into it. I think it’s mostly excuses to stop myself from writing my thoughts openly. It sort of feels like public speaking. Feeling afraid of what people might think, or if what I’m saying is making sense. I’m discovering that each post is pushing me along to try again the next day. I never thought I would be facing my fears in a sense through a blog, but hey like they never say never. For now the technique is going to be start with lighter topics that I want to talk about and then lets see how crazy I get with it. I just have to keep reminding myself to have fun with it, and this isn’t a test allow myself to fail. I do have to say I get excited writing even if it’s for myself. It should be good. That’s all for today keeping it short and sweet for now. Anyways, keep smiling it helps!
Who the fuck cares ?
So recently whenever I meet someone new from the Indian community, while we talk the subject of food one way or the other comes into the conversation. I know it sounds a bit cliché, but hey its one of those stereotypes within the Punjabi community that isn’t really fought off. I’m not speaking for all of us but most of us love food. Which isn’t the problem. The problem begins when I mention the fact that I am a vegetarian. You would think it is a fairly common preference. Just that a preference! For some reason if I were to speak about this in a social gathering with my peers, the first question is always “you drink alcohol, so why not eat meat”. When I am first asked that question I answer politely, because I assume the person is just curious, but after telling them it’s a preference and it has nothing to do with religion. You would think that would be the end of that conversation, however they want to keep questioning my choice, and trying to convince me to start eating meat. Here I am not concerned if the other person does or does not, nevertheless my choice is always questioned. So here it comes who the fuck cares ? If I don’t bother asking or trying to persuade you to start or stop then why? It’s just one of those things that has been getting on my nerves for quite a long time. I have been vegetarian for 10 years, but still till this day having to justify my choice. I often hear the opposite where people have told me that vegetarians nag their choice and try to convince them, but here they are the same people trying to do the same. Ugh the irony is just pissing me off! I know only in the perfect world things would just be accepted and things would keep moving, but it doesn’t happen like that. So ill just have this rant and keep moving. However those who are not, try to be a little more open-minded. Anyways those are my thoughts of the day. Take care, smile it helps.
Its one of those days where I am feeling extra low.Usually the pain has begun to be a regular part of my day, and this is one of many I have had, but this particular one I just can’t shake. Just feeling scared all the time has been hard to cope with. Fear was never really a regular part of my day. I don’t understand how to go on. The anxiety is getting to me more than ever. Every night I tell myself to go out and face the world, but it always comes down to easier said than done. Then it’s time to sleep, and it also just won’t come. Then when it does the nightmares begin. With all this I think counselling will do me some good, or it won’t, but I’m sure as hell going to try it. At this point I am feeling desperate. I know it is not a quick fix. All I need is to see some improvement so I can find the will to keep going. I just want to be myself again, and not being able to be myself around my friends and family has taken a toll. Even trying to socialize with friends is not making me feel better. Also feeling like no one really wants to hear about it. Which I understand it’s difficult to be around all that negative energy, nevertheless it gets lonely trying to feel better about it. I thought maybe writing it out would allow me to express it, and this may be a better way to get out in the open. So I don’t feel like I’m in it alone, or something like that. Sometimes I just want to fucking curse the world, and the next thing is I want to burst into tears. I am so fucking fed up being anxious all the time. I just want everything to be back to normal. Try to be my happy self again or at least kind of that. Who knows when that will happen. All I know is if anyone is reading this, and going through something similar. I would be happy to lend an ear. Take care. Try to smile, I know I will.